“I have to feel worse before I can feel better.”
I pulled this quote from a previous blog post of mine because it is still relevant to my current life experiences. Although frustrating for me, it is not surprising that I have been having an incredibly challenging time creating or posting anything onto this blog for quite a while.
My goal has always been to share my thoughts and experiences in a manner that is authentic, vulnerable, and honest. I take pride in delivering content that I feel is exciting, meaningful, relatable, helpful, insightful and/or self-reflective. For a while now, my brain hasn’t been in a space that feels safe or organized enough for me to discuss what’s been going on in my life in a longer format than the character count provided on Twitter. Crafting and sharing a filtered narrative on my blog isn’t helpful or satisfying for me as a writer, even if my brain (occasionally) tries to convince me otherwise. I know that many people enjoy reading and relating to an authentic storyteller. For me, this means that I often need to take a break from writing so that I can continue creating content that I feel accurately depicts my reality.
The last year of my life has been a rollercoaster ride; filled with major highs and crushing lows. I’d love to be able to share more about these events at some point, but I know that right now is not the most appropriate time for me to do so. Instead of divulging into these aspects of my life, I want to share a little bit about where my head is at right now. Simply put, my head is feeling up in the clouds…
I cannot pinpoint exactly when my dissociative tendencies became so pervasive and persistent because I’ve struggled with dissociation for most of my life. More recently though, it has come to a point where I am now way more cognizant of it and its become quite debilitating in my daily life. I have always mentally struggled to pursue the things that I’ve wanted to do, but somehow have been able to persevere and function through the discomfort of my dissociation. Navigating life with a dissociation prone brain has made all of my creative endeavours particularly challenging. I have drafted so many blog posts over the last year, but I have avoided publishing any of them because everything I’ve written feels foreign to me when I’ve read it back. Although a lot of the content is quite honest and vulnerable, nothing feels truly authentic to me. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but that’s mostly why I’ve chosen not to post very much as of late (even if I had once expressed enthusiasm online about a particular post!)
I’m still working alongside a team of various health professionals to help me understand and work through all of my challenges, but for right now, I am taking a little break. Working on my mental health is important to me, but I can also recognize when I need to take a step back, take a breather, and regroup. That is what I’ve been trying to do these past couple of weeks. I’m exploring what it’s like to simply live my life, and not be so focused on trying to “fix” me all of the time. None of this is easy, and to be honest, a lot of the time it feels isolating and sometimes frightening. Living in persistent and varying states of dissociation just makes life difficult to participate in. It doesn’t really matter to me whether I’m around people, engaging in conversation, doing something that I would typically enjoy; it all feels surreal, unfulfilling or muted. That is, if I am able to remember any of it at all…
I know that healing and processing my traumas will take time, and that I have to be patient with the process. Slowly but surely, my brain will figure this out. At least, as of now, I am pretty certain that (despite the road being bumpy) I am headed in the right direction in my recovery journey.
Thank you for sticking around and always being so kind and lovely, especially when I’ve been extremely quiet and distant. I truly appreciate your support.